THE MERRI BETH STORY
Merri Beth Mannequin, came to us one summer shortly after her boyfriend of many years ran off with a bag of dry wall mix that left her in a deep depression.  Her parents were despondent and now, after only a few short months at Northaven, she has given up her anti-social behavior, spending most of her time in the store, modeling a complete line of Northaven apparel. She has been such a great "listener" we are happy to announce that Merri Beth now enjoys the distinction of taking care of our Northaven Advice Column and FAQ's.

If you have a question for Merri Beth about the Resort that isn't covered in the rules or are afraid to ask, check below to see if she as addressed the issue in question or email: NorthavenNewsEd@aol.com and I will forward your inquiry to her for advice.  

Just put in the subject: ASK MERRI BETH. And it will be posted shortly. She has heard it all, so don't worry!

Dear Merri Beth,

My husband is a NASCAR fanatic. He is 38 but his dad still makes him watch the races on his shoulders at MIS Speedway.  I did a search of campgrounds within 5 miles of the speedway and found your place. What fun plus my arms get so tired lifting my top and flashing Carl Edwards every lap. How can we both be happy on these weekends?

Signed: Sick of Tire Residue in my Happy Place.

Dear Firestone Floosie,

It’s not a secret that Race Car Fans at Northaven Resort are some of the most accomplished liars we have at camp, second only to couples with teenagers at a Saturday night dance!  First of all you need to tell your mother-in-law you saw “DAD” touching himself with a tube of lithium grease in his hand at the last race and you won’t have to worry about spending fathers day at the track anymore.  THEN, tell hubby that you booked a spot at Northaven Campground at a fraction of the cost of the speedway. With the money you saved you buy him a new leather race jacket, endorsed by his favorite driver. Park his butt at the pavilion with a beer in front of one of the multiple TV screens in his new jacket and his pants off, (just like at home). The bonus is that he doesn’t have to interrupt his concentration on the race to look for the flashing bimbo’s with his binoculars. He can just wait for a commercial, turn his head toward pool to check out the fresh new crop of boobies that Northaven is never short of on the weekends.
You, in turn, can relax and give your neck a clockwise rotation workout for a change looking at the hot guys (they don't all resemble Shrek like at the speedway), with a slushy in your hand and "the girls" can be out of your BUD T-SHIRT all day!

You can lie your way to at least 5 trips a year and nobody will know but you. Check the race schedule and book early for a campsite so you can remain somewhat credible but there aren't any guarantees you won't still get rubber in your happy place.

Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Merri Beth,
I know there's nothing worse than reading about somebody else's fetish (assuming that it's a fetish you don't share). But here goes:  Most folks at your resort shave their pubes but I get “urges” about pubic hair.  Usually, the guy doesn't even have a clue he's being dined upon.  Hey, if you're down there, a nearby pube might end up in your mouth anyway.  If it doesn't, it's not so hard to do a little (discreet, of course) nibbling until you nab one.  Now, here's my question: I've read everything in all the health guides about safe sex, but nobody ever mentions possible ill effects from eating a pubic hair.  I mean, there's DNA in there, right?  I know I'm not supposed to drink his fluids, but hair is a solid, not a liquid.  What do you think?
Signed: It's Better Than Dental Floss

Dear Flossie Floosie,
Honey, congratulations! Just when I thought I heard it all from you hens, you write me with a kink I never even imagined. I love to follow a happy trail to a good new fetish, instead of getting bogged down with all this versatile, dominate, muscle, top, bottom, bubble butt, stuff we read as advice column fodder week after week.
Your fetish creates a whole new set of possibilities..  If your date is a puny, not so pretty down there nerd, you can always snack on his bush… Fabulous!  Let's face it, plenty of times you have to make the best of a bad sexual situation.  Now, when your huge, bubble-butt muscleman top turns out to be everything but that, you know there are other toys to play with. I'm curious, Doll, Are there different flavors?  Do you prefer a certain texture?  Babe, you are making me nuts with curiosity!  I would say, "Let's do lunch," but I'm not sure I'm ready for your homemade dressing.  I enjoy a good roll in the follicles but never considered them as a dietary supplement.

Munchie Brunch, how many times do I have to tell you girls that this column is not titled Merri Beth’s Medical Journal?  I'm sure that you could probably scarf down a few follicles a day without serious harm, but before you saute' your next pile of pubes, talk to a medical professional.  I've seen what a fur ball can make my cat do to the rug, and ask any plumber what a hair can do to a sink drain-it's not pretty.

You need to come out as a pube eater and meet others who share your fascination.  I'm sure, just like every other little kink, once our readers see this letter, I'll be inundated with letters from girls who want to hook up to share pube stories.   Here's your golden opportunity to start a new social event or business centered on pubes.  Think of the fun you could have if you went public.  Pube shaving parties, pube flavoring products, pube web sites, pube porn, pube enhancing apparatus and of course, the ever practical pube crafts.  Who knows, Blair Hair might pay a handsome sum for a good set of curls!  You may have spurred a curiosity in myself and others. The next time I have a pube stuck between my teeth, I'll let it linger and enjoy the snack instead of plucking it right out.  But until you speak to a doctor, try to be on the safe side and taste but don't swallow.

You Gave Me the Woolies,
Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Merri Beth,
I've seen you around camp, even did the gong show together, and there's been speculation that we might have some genes (jeans) in the same pool. Do you have sisters? Were you adopted? I was and I am looking for Ma and Pa.
I know you don't talk much but could you whisper me an answer?

Dear Sis,
Someone put my hair over my eyes and I couldn't see anything all weekend! I thought you looked familiar! Ma and Pa told me I had a Siamese twin sister but we were joined at a common clitoris and had the doctor cut us apart so we could get dates later and folks wouldn't think we were just lesbians! We were put up for adoption shortly after Ma died tragically. She took a part-time job as a "BLOW UP DOLL"  thinking, "I can combine the better parts of marriage with a career." Unfortunatly her employer was a terrorist and actually strapped on some explosive and really blew her up!

You must take after Pa cause your parts move pretty good from what I can tell.  Sadly, he also died in an electrical fire working as an animated Christmas Santa at the mall.  I always thought you would show up one day. We have a lot of  "catching up" to do so lets do lunch at "THE STORE" next weekend, I am the one in the corner. The one Larry spoons when he is napping in the afternoon on the sofa.

Merri Beth Because She Knows
PS:  Just wondering, do the guys put a strobe light in the bedroom when they take you home to make you look like you're actually moving when they make love to you, too?

Dear Merri Beth,

I would love to come out to LADIES DAY on Wednesdays and get some sun but my husband is a VERY CONSERVATIVE MIDDLE EASTERN RELIGIOUS type.  He would not approve.  What am I to do?
 
Signed: Dressed like a Bee Keeper all the time

Dear Ms BIn Laden,

Well as hard as it is to believe, even THE NORTHAVEN MEMBERS have a hard time putting the "FUN" in Fundamentalist Extremism, especially when all those guys can see is your eyes when talking to you in those clothes you girls are made to wear.  God knows guys are not used to eye contact when in a party mood!  SOOO, My suggestion is... DON'T FRIGGIN' TELL HIM DUH!  Park your pasty white butt lathered in sunblock (spf 4million) by the pool for the day and if by accident you spill any of that delicious ham sandwich, Velma can make, on you, get a bottle of "GEE MY VEIL SMELLS TERRIFIC" and wash up after so he doesn't smell it!  (trial sizes available at the store).  Just remember, "if you don't ride a Camel, You Ain't Shiite."

Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Merri Beth,

For some time, I’ve note I’ve had a physical attraction to you. I am not sure whether its your wood / plaster composition or simply your inanimate manner.

I experience the same sense of arousal when I use tooth picks or stick matches. I’m not sure a relationship with you could go anywhere. My family while relatively open are not necessarily green minded. The prospect of welcoming new family member who happens to be made of wood may not appeal to them. Of course I did try to explain that we ( you and I ) are both carbon based but it  didn’t seem to make much difference. They are from the old school and feel the your place would be in the kitchen as stove fuel. There are some concerns I have and I will try to squelch them with questions;

Do you consider safe sex to mean that the room is equipped with a  fire extinguisher?

Do your feminine care products have the brand name “Black & Decker” written on them?

Would you be opposed to having a 2.5 inch diameter countersink drilled into your smile?

Is that really your hair?

Do I need to use polyurethane protection?

I may be into water games…do you float? Warp?

I am into fantasy roll playing. I’ll be the sex starve lumberjack.

Ok, I think we’re off to a great start. But please keep in mind. You are not my first none human, none living girlfriend. You see I had this 2/3 life size inflatable doll I new as Windy. Our relationship came to an abrupt end when I decided to have a cigarette after sex and blew the hell out of her. It wasn’t the first time but the bicycle tire patches simply weren’t enough anymore. I knew it wouldn’t last from the off. Just something about her rubber molded hair didn’t set right with me. But she did have the most beautiful smile. Actual , it wasn’t a smile. More like a look of surprise. You know. The “O” look. She did live with me awhile. Well, under my bed anyways. I’m not sure my mother truly believed she was my CPR training dummy. But enough of her. I’m excited about the opportunity to light your fire.

An admirer

Dear Al Gore,

Bring it on!  "If you want to please me, you better have plenty of wood", The last time anyone made me cry out their name when I popped he had a blue ox tied to his camper.  Oh, and bring your asbestos condoms! Safe for a lot of reasons.
Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Merri Beth,
I was at the dance this Saturday night after the Mr. Nude Northaven Contest and had the pleasure of participating in the "ALLIGATOR DANCE" but found that it left me a little bruised up.  How do you keep from getting those "tell-tale" marks on your elbows and knees?

Signed: Banged Up for the Wrong Reasons.

Dear Train Wreck,
Maybe if you would get a different choreographer that was named SUZY instead of "Hooch" before you tried to dance, you wouldn't need protection.  (click here for alligator dance accessories)

I would suggest you do what others at Northaven did and take TANGO LESSONS (click here),before you hurt yourself.

Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Merri Beth,

I just hate it when guys stare at my breasts and DON'T LISTEN!  HELP!

Signed: Saving Money on Mascara

Dear Hillary C,

Well who says dreams don't come true.  New at the NORTHAVEN STORE.  
 We now have the Apple Computer computer chip for the girls that
can store and play music in a women's breast.
                                "The iBOOB"
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Mary Beth,
I have never been to a Clothing Optional Resort before but would love to come to Northaven.  My problem is it appears that all the nude resorts online REQUIRE you to be completely nude after a few visits and ALWAYS nude in the pool.  Is Northaven Resort like that too?
Signed: Proud of My Boobs but Not Much Else.

Dear Top Heavy,
What part of "Clothing Optional" don't you get?  If you haven't been able to fit into those size 3 jeans since High School, wear a sarong like 80% of the girls usually wear around here and stay away from those resorts that decide what is right for you . There is only ONE place at Northaven Resort that Clothing is NOT AN OPTION and that is in the store where beer and wine is sold.  (Michigan Law requires you have on your bottoms)  EVERYWHERE ELSE you wear as little or as much as you want. INCLUDING THE POOL.  We don't care if you were born with web feet, wear some swim fins to the pool if it makes you comfortable.  

Merri Beth Because She Knows

ODE TO THE NUDIST
by  Mary Beth

Finally it is summer and the clothes came off at last
I made the time to swim and drink and tan my little

Body while listening to some hits
Forgot to use my sun screen and scorched my perky

Asparagus’ spears that were grilling on the spit
My legs were spread when a spark flew up and singed my swollen

Cookie dough, that was waiting to be cut
When I felt a long blunt object, poking at my

Shoulder, would you like a beer he asked, and handed one to me
Got in my cart, went in the woods to squat and take a

Log back ,to my fire pit when I almost hit a buck
It must have been the liquor,  I started looking for a

Volleyball match but found a guy instead
So I dropped down to my sun burnt knees and began to give him

Directions in the sand, to an after dance and than gave him a smooch
Where everyone was yelling “oops there it is” while doing shots of

Jello and no one seemed to care
that everyone was having fun and everyone was bare.